Jacqueline & Bella

Cross Road in my life...

2011-09-02T14:20:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I last updated my blog...

Too much things have happened, running around and very exhausted.

First was, mom went for her knee cap replacement surgery on 17/8. Op was successful, except her body has been weak, as such, she lost a lot of blood, thus, needed 2 rounds of blood transfusion. Recovery stage takes a bit longer than normal.

It has been a tough week for me as I need to send Bella to Jess's place for day care (thank you very much for the help!), rush to work, visit mom, fetch Bella home (thank you Fiona for the ride) and back home to do house work...very tiring...

Stupid brother did not even give me a helping hand... when I was still doing housework, he off the lights and zzz. Not helping even financially... not even visiting mom or ask how is she... what kind of son is this?

This round, I am very angry with him till I ignore him now.... I do my part as what a daughter should do....

I am very hurt, not only at home but at work.... Have worked so hard, the return I got was I am ask to tender my resignation! Everyone in the team did not meet the target, not me, but why pick on me to shoulder the problem? My age? haiz... God.. pls open a door for me!

I have been done - seeking for direction...... God... I have worked hard to take care and feed my family all alone - pls do not leave me to despair as I don't know how to survive through.. Lord lead me, guide me, bless me and show me. I'll leave this burden at your feet... i come before you humbly.... to seek refuge ... hear me, oh Lord. Amen!

Daddy - Forgive me...

2011-08-04T15:11:00.002+08:00

Daddy... pls forgive me.

I think I have not done a good job in looking after mommie...Shes been hospitalized and lost about 15 kg in a short span of 1.5 years after you left us, shes only 48 kg now!!!

NEver have I thought shes so light and when i found out during her check up yesterday, this came to me as a shock.... Daddy, pls help me look after mommie too, all I wish is her to be healthy.....shes and Bella is all I have now....

Watch over her health, her operation and her overall well-being.... I will try harder to play my part too... give me the strength daddy...

This is the down moment of my life - in work and at home. I am at a cross junction in my career life - I felt very humilated and "abandon", despite how hard I work, in my 20 years of work life, I have received appreciation, but now, I am being picked on, for my age.. who never grow old? Daddy, pls watch over me, do not let me kept thinking of the bad side, help me stay positive and grant me the best in my career - for I have been a good worker, I do my best of ability and my part to feed the family. Help me to take away the sore in my heart.

Daddy.. Daddy... how I wish you are by my side now.....

Father's Day is drawing near...

2011-06-16T15:43:00.002+08:00

As this day draws nearer, I felt my heart getting heavier as this will be my 2nd year without my dad on this day thats dedicated to all daddys in the world.

Father's Day has not been "an important day", for me as compared to Mother's Day - I took that for granted until it never meant the same to me after the lost...

Yes... I felt bad, very bad, for not having much time with daddy, too short a time on earth with me.., till today, my eyes will turn wet each time i think about him....

Daddy.. I miss you... not just on Father's Day, but every day...

your beloved little gal forever....

Cross Junction in life (mid life crisis)?!

2011-06-10T16:22:00.002+08:00

Mood has been down lately... so much so much in my mind to worry to think.... I know, I should not let this over ride my thoughts but to stay focus on God, believing HE will lead me to where he wants to place me....

Met a sister for lunch yesterday and she reminded me that I should not place hopes in human but in GOD the almighty - yes, I agree... stop, listen, obey and follow...

When we have hopes on others - we have a expectation, we will be dissappointed when being let done - well, in reality, many needs to dissappoint us, to protect themselves. Thats why, this needs to change.

Lord, you are the only one i could trust, depend and relay on and the only one I can pour out my heart whole heartedly now....

How can ever forget this date 16/3?

2011-03-16T13:00:00.003+08:00

I can never forget this date as a year ago, this day, in the morning, thats when the doctor called me to said my late father, who was then, at ICU, lost the battle.

They have giving him the last jab to boost his heart beat and that all they could do. All I could describe then was, we were helpless... its like pronouncing his dealth, just waiting for time.

Dad's father rushed to hospital and all were shakened by this sudden news and even dad's elderly brother (my 3rd uncle), came to see his younger brother for the last time. We were all filled with tears... I prayed and prayed and prayed.... asking God not to take my Dad away... but deep down, I know, I cannot go against God's will.

Every minute seems hard to pass and we stayed through at the hospital....

My elder brother, whom have had comflict with dad for the past 30 years, he hated dad and never spoke to him for many years, came and broke down in tears. The finally reconcile at this very last lap in dad's life. Mom and me, broke into tears, breaking of the knot between the two.

We talk and speak to dad, reassuring him that we will be strong and carry on with life, at one moment, we saw tears flowing from his eyes. I know, dad can;t bear to leave us too....

Dad... mom, Kor, Bella and me miss you so much....

A year ago this day

2011-03-15T10:35:00.003+08:00

Exactly a yeat ago at 4.30am this day, we received a call from the hospital, asking us to rush down without knowing whats wrong.

When reached, saw Dad in comma and all hooked up, doctor just told us that his heartbeat stopped suddenly during his sleep, no one knows how long did it stopped....

After that, everything just went out of control - he went into ICU, life is like "dependent" on a life supporting machine. Our hearbeat beats everytime we hear the beeping sound from the devices....

Updates that we got never seems to be good from then on.... I was told, I mayh be loosing him....

This was the day I had a year ago....

Time Flies - its gonna be a year soon

2011-03-14T15:56:00.004+08:00

Noticed I have not blogged for nearly a year...

So much things happened to my life, happy and sad moments. Time to hold on and time to let go.

In few days time, dad has left us a year - 365 days; 8760 hours. I still have not really believe he is really gone though I have constantly reminded myself its time to let go.

With dad's leaving, I view life very very different, its not just about me, me and me; but my family.

I have already turned from being hurt till I ignore coz its just making me feel more not worth.....

6 more days will be Daddy have left us for 100 days

2010-06-17T22:58:00.004+08:00

Dear Daddy,

I am getting more emo lately coz was facing some obstacles in life plus Father's Day round the corner and Dad left us 100 days in 6 days time.

Memories of you kept flashing in my mind, your smile, voice, the way you walk, your cooking etc etc... just too much to name.... I am missing you more and more than before....

I am feeling so bad that I have not done enough for you, left you alone for so long coz I was focusing on Grandma. You've tried to pick up hobbies and find new friends when you're lack of attention at home, you've never blamed us nor asked us not to care for Grandma, in fact, you've extended your love to Grandma without hatred, even she has always been scolding you for many years. And Dad, you've won over Grandma's heart, till the last 12 months of her life, she started to appreciate you and knew that you love her.

Mum recently said, you have a kind and golden heart, you love and never hate - even though you've been scolded or yelled at.... thats why, you left without pain. Thats very true.... during the funeral, many of your friends came, and all sing praises about you and your talents and kind heart... I have never felt so proud of you, Dad. Why haven't I spend more time with you, picked up Chinese Calligraphy... I have always been Daddy's gal, and you doted me a lot, whatever i've asked for, you never fail to deliver...oh my.... how i wish I could turn back the clock....

You are my only Daddy and one and only for this life and I have never regretted being your child..... Daddy, i really miss you dearly..... everything at home just remind me of you.... you are always being mentioned in my conversation with me...

Daddy... Mommie has been tearing since you left her, lately, she misses you even more.... she said, you have been a wonderful husband and kind person, no regrets to be your wife for the past 47 years....

For me... I have been crying every night before bed, coz I miss you Dad.....and little Bella also misses her Daddy too...

Dad, come to my dreams, speak to me.... Daddy... do know that you are being loved always by mum and me....

your little gals forever....
jacq and bella

Its daddy's 88th day since he left us

2010-06-14T19:45:00.002+08:00

Time flies... its 88 days since daddy bide farewell to us, seems so long yet so short a time....

Missing him more and more. Many things around my house or even whenever I go downstairs to the coffeeshop, they just have so strong memories of dad. Recently met a uncle (whom I do not know), he resembles like dad so much.... I almost miss a heartbeat... had a second look.... thats not my daddy.... how I wish its just a joke that you have left us....

Daddy.... I just cannot get over you leaving us without a word.... its just too painful to accept.... whats your last word to me? "I thought you are coming to see me... I have things to tell you, but cannot talk on the phone"... I should have rushed down to hear you, why didn't I do that, but just tell you that "I have just gone to see you, just got home, we'll talk tomorrow"... but the "tomorrow" never come, this became your parting word with me, daddy. I am feeling so bad and lousy about this whole thing.... I fee so bad....

This Sunday is Father's Day and my original plan was to bring you to Vivocity for the special steamboat... (I know you like steamboats), but Daddy.... I don;t have the chance now... how am I going to get over a Father's Day without my father with me?

Daddy... this is too heartbreaking...

Dad... I miss you.....

Have not been on a Happy Mood for a while

2010-06-07T14:22:00.002+08:00

Have not blog for a while coz have been busy and was away to Shanghai.... misses mum and Bella so much...

Not sure if I am going thru a stage of Depression - which I am praying against it... I jsut feel so demoralised and upset with things that happening around me - my only joy is weekends when I have my full attention with Bella and mum....

I felt so lonely and frustrated and at many times, some people just got on my nerves that I have the "image" in my mind that I am going to "skin this person alive". I get aggitated when I see the person's face and even the name pisses me off - am I going crazy... Oh my..... my heart is just filled with hatred against this person... guess the person must have irritated me so much.... Have never had this hatred before ... I dunno how....

Weekend was a good break... else, i think I will breakdown mentally....

Now... I have been taking deep breathe and telling myself - its ok... bought myself a pack of tea bags called "Happy Moods"... hope that'll help....

Am I being mentally tortured? I dunno.....

Busy Busy....

2010-05-20T14:47:00.002+08:00

Have been very veyr busy since last week due to house renovation and work....

Have done some cabinets in Kitchen, Living Hall and my room - very happy with the turn-out and workmanship.... House is much neater now and spacious.... next will be replacement book shelves/ TV rack/ shoe rack and sofa set in living hall....

Planning to also change mum's room's furnitures and they are old and dusty - need to clear a lot of stuffs there.... haiz... hope will be blessed with additional income la....

Not sure if its becos of all the shifting and moving - I have experienced the chest tight feeling again - the muscle is pulling and making me feel uncomfortable.... hope its nothing serious.....

Next week, will be leaving for Shanghai for few days - going on a company's trip.. will sure miss my baby Bella and my mum....

This weekend, we'll be paying respect to Dad and Grandma at Mandai together with 3rd aunt.... baby Bella will follow....

Our first Mother's Day without Daddy

2010-05-12T17:33:00.002+08:00

Dear Daddy,

This is our very first Mother's Day without you with us. Mum did not want a celebration at all as she said wer are all still mourning.

Brother, Bella and me, spend the evening at home with mum with home-cooked food - marketing done by me... emm... cooking of course mum la...

Mum misses dad badly and she feels the loneliness and emptiness... in fact, shes been telling me dad has been visiting us as she saw a butterfly flying into our house in the evening time on several occassions.

I dreamt of daddy the last few nights.... think in my dreams, I heard his cooking and coughing sound. He came into my room to cover me and Bella with blankets.....

Last night when I was sad over some nasty comments by some irritating people who do not understand how others feel when they lost their loved ones - they just know how to bith around... well... one day, they will go thru the same - let the pain pierce their evil hearts. The evil bitches will have their own taste of medicine. Some bitches are just too free to mind others' business...

Dad came into my dreams again... I felt him stroking my forehead... comforting me, dad loves me and he'll never let others bully me.

Some friends I really treasured a lot.... some when I see the true colours - I'll strike you off my list as these people are not worth to be my friends at all.

Daddy - I miss you dearly...

2010-04-26T17:55:00.003+08:00

Dear Daddy...

I just cannot accept that you have left me... last Sunday, I could not control anymore to put up a strong front - I broke down badly in front of mum at home....

Dad... how are you in Heaven now? Did you meet popo and Daisy? You must stay close to them and walk together... till the day we'll meet you again... theres just so much so much things I want to talk to you .... when I am sick... you'll always come by my bedside to feel my forehead and cook porridge for me when mum is at work then.

I miss your special fried rice and bee hoon, they are just so good and now, I can never taste that again. Mum, Bella and me have been visiting you and popo and Mandai lately... I am sure both of you saw us... mum broke down whenever shes there and me too. Its so hard to see a piece of marble now with your pic and name and not you in person.... dad ... we miss you... very much....

Bella has also been missing playing with you... shes now trying to accept that daddy gong gong is gone too... mum and me has been telling her that you are in Heaven now and she'll look up to the sky whenever we ask her where you are...

Daddy, I remembered you've told me... I am your only daughter and you love me most... sorry for not spending time with you over the last few years... I know you have been lonely.... dad.. forgive me pls.....

Now, I can only have your pic with me in my wallet and carry along.. knowing you are with me all the time...

Daddy, Grandma and Daisy.. we miss you and we know.. you miss us too...

Always remembering all of you in my heart...

Have been very ill lately

2010-04-19T12:57:00.002+08:00

I've not been blogging for about 2 weeks as I have be very ill... down with hih fever (39.8 deg) and bad flu.

visited the doctor 5 times and almost got admitted to hospital.... but I just refuse to go coz I still cannot get over the lost of dad and grandma at the hospital. Doctor sent me for a x-ray and blood test, he confirmed that I am having severe Bronchitis that results in a very high fever.

I took a week of medical leave last week to rest myself - but actually, I was working from home.... have been feeling depress especially when I am trying so hard to recover and yet can't.

Last Friday, 16/4, mum, Bella and me, went to Mandai Crematorium to pay respect to dad and grandma as its exactly a month since daddy left us. It seem like a long time he has left, but its just a month. Mum and me again broke into tears badly... we really miss daddy very much.....

Bella has been a good baby.... she kept quiet and bowed to give respect to dad and grandma.... shes just a lovely babe....

Mum is not feeling well these 2 days, guess she must have caught the virus from me... rushed her to the doctor for treatment, shes now home asleep....

To me now, the most important thing is family and health....

Now I am left with Mum, Brother and Bella, they are all I have now... and of course... I have a few wonderful friends who are like sisters to me.... they are just so great and I thank God for them....

Third Week since Daddy left us

2010-04-08T09:38:00.002+08:00

Time flies, its already the 3rd week since daddy left us, but it seems so long....

We've visited dad at Mandai twice and each time, mum and me broke into tears. Little Bella uses her little paw to touch daddy's picture coz she remembers him dearly....

Last Saturday, we went over to Mandai to pay respect to both Grandma and Dad... we were prepared for a big jam due to Chinese Ching Ming, however, both of them have blessed us with a smooth and clear journey - we were not caught by the jam.

Thought I have been strong... but realized that deep down I am so weak... I am feeling the "after-effect"... have been feeling depress and lost lately. I am missing dad more and more. Kept thinking of his face, his smile and the way he walks, I blame myself for not spending enough time with him, talking to him, bringing him out for meals... I should have done it.. now... I have no more chance to do it.

I have been daddy's gal since young and he doted me a lot, in fact, he was the one that loves me most and able to tolerate my nonsense, especially when I throw my tantrums. Dad has never cane me before, only once or twice he slapped me when I was young - due to me being mischeivious. The person whom loves me most, has left me...

I regretted not taking up my Chinese Calligraphy lessons from him seriously since young and thought I was so happy having not to do it anymore after my primary school education. Now, I saw Dad's achievements in this area + all the stuffs he left for us, I should have been more serious about it. Dad's last piece of Chinese Calligraphy writing for me was the word "Gong Xi Fai Cai", when I have asked him to write for me to place the bowl where I store the Mandarin Oranges during CNY.

Dad left us with many Chines poems books and some of the writings he has done - we will keep that with us... thats what he has left for us now....

Dad - I miss you badly.....

Can't hold my tears ...

2010-03-30T19:14:00.002+08:00

Have been trying very hard to be strong - coz i know mum needs me....

But this afternoon - I just cannot stop my tears... I miss my daddy badly - I still cannot accept the fact that he has left me - premanently.... I'll never be able to see him in person, hear his voice, hold his hands... he has left me... left me to join Grandma and Daisy.... just too shocking.

I lost 3 of my most beloved in a short time span of 15 months... now, family from 5 has downsized to 3 plus Bella... We still have not gathered our courage to pack dad's belongings... I still dare not coz I worry I will cry....

Whenever I am alone... memories of dad and his face and voice just comes into my mind....

Just when I come to terms about Daisy and Grandma left me.... Dad left me... its like so shocking... life is so fragile....

Daddy... I miss you dearly.. theres just so much things we have not done.... you left me without a word....

Mum stopping work ...

2010-03-22T20:55:00.003+08:00

The impact from dad's sudden departure has been a great blow to my family... still finding it hard to believe he has left....

Mum felt the tireness and after both brother and myself plus my aunties and uncles' advises, she has decided to step down from work and lead a more relax life to spend time at home and with Bella.

Afterall, shes being bullied by that stupid gay at her workplace - this useless "not man not woman", has been bullying mum for many years... sorry lor... if he is good in his skills or have something to shout about - then its ok to be proud. He is basically a useless hair-stylist who hardly have any customers, think he can count the "strands" of hair he cut for customers.

Today, I brought mum there to collect her items, finally goto see this "great" man, he was shocked to see mum leaving plus being accompanied by me... before we left.... I gave him a "great piece of mind" ... hahahahah,...... let him "bang bang bang"... I puke lor... no look, no built, no skills, no $$$, no customers.... dare to "ya ya"... ask him to go bang wall... LOL...

We lost our Daddy....

2010-03-20T18:07:00.003+08:00

Have not blogged since 16th March coz we lost our dear daddy on 17th March @ 2.07am.

His sudden departure has given us and his friends a great shocked, in fact till now, we still cannot accept that he is gone...

Family has been down to 4 after grandma left us on 26th december 2008, and now, left with 3 with Dad's departure. House is so quiet now, parent's room look so empty. As we're still resting ourselves to recover from shock and tiredness, we've not unpacked dad's stuffs. Yesterday after dad's funeral, we came home, cleared away dad's pillows and blanket - to prevent mum from thinking of him in the night. She still cannot sleep - think she misses my dady dearly. Its gonna take a long time to heal.

Baby Bella has been a good baby, shes with us at dad's wake day and night to mourn for dad. She's placed in her stroller and she quietly rest there observing without barking. Relatives who initially dislike dogs, all said shes such a babe. We told them, Bella is my dad's baobei, shes like a daughter to him, she can feel and sense that daddy is done - Bella also shows her way of mourning for daddy by not wearing too colourful bows and she did not play much last few days, shes also trying to get use to daddy will not be home anymore coz he is in Heaven.

We collected daddy's ashes this morning, Bella also joined us as shes part of us,she sat quietly in her carrier bag watching. It has been raining since yesterday when dad was leaving our house to Mandai, and this morning, when we collected his ashes, mum said, he maybe said to leave us so sudden - thats why the sky is "tearing"... told mum not to think that way, daddy will speak to us in our dreams....

Daddy... we miss you dearly, we really miss you badly....

Losing Daddy

2010-03-16T18:35:00.003+08:00

hv not bloged coz daddy is critically ill at hospital...

we don't know what happened, he just collapse suddenly in his ward on monday early morning at 430am,doc called us to rushed to hosp.... to our shock to see daddy like this.... his heart stopped for about 15 mins!!!!

OMG ... wat happened??? no answer... daddy is now hooked to a life supporting machine and his BP is dropping... i cannot take it..... my daddy was not like this!!!

We were told to be prepared etc etc, but... i cannot accept it!!!! Why am I losing him????

Daddy's BP dropped drastically this morning when i just came bk for a shower... dashed back and was told... I am losing him any time.... oh my.... my daddy have not spoken to me yet

Baby Bella missing daddy.. shes been crying... this tough cookie.. never cry,,,, but she is now....

Daddy Daddy Daddy,,, how cloud you leave your 2 little gals .... you lovge us and we tooo.... Daddy Daddy.......

Dad is not doing very well ....

2010-03-11T18:41:00.003+08:00

haiz.... dad don;t seem to be doing very well at the hosp, we've observed that he is getting very tired, kept sleeping and having problem with speech.... first thing came to mhy mind - is he getting a stroke??? OMG... pls don't.

Called the ward and spoke to nurse in charge twice to send for a doctor to see him, as usual, they did not take my words seriously till I called again 2 hours later and really blew my top telling them to take my words seriously as my grandma went into coma in front of me coz despite the fact we told them about grandma's change in behaviour, the nurses there don;t belive us, thinking that we are over sensitive - told them, don;t wait till too late and I will hold them responsible.

Within 5 mins, they got a doc to come-by, he agrees with my observation and getting worried. He disucssed the situation with dad's doc-in-charge, and decided to send him for a immediate CT scan on the brain. This really get them on their feet now.... why why why.... they should have responded to my request earlier and not taking things for granted. Mum is with him now and again he is in his drowsy mode.... praying praying hard everything will be fine....

Bella and Me missing our Daddy

2010-03-11T13:31:00.003+08:00

This week has been a tiring and "happening" week....

Dad fell at the community club after his lesson, thought it was just external injuries till he complain discomfort on Tuesday morning. We've sent him to A&E for check coz worried of his heart issue... was admitted immediately.

Docs ran tons of investigations on him and everyday, i receive "surprises", not pleasant, but scary....

Yesterday, was told that the fell has lead him to fracture his no. 7th rib bone, no wonder he complains of pain, well, nothing can be done, just take medicine and wait for natural healing. Doc also updated that they found some kidney conditions in him (in fact dad knew about it, but never told us!), so further investigation will be done on that. Went to see him last evening, he was looking very down and tired - think its the pain killer's side effect ba....

This morning, the doc called to update me again, more surprises....

His heart tests turns out to be ok, but, the red blood pillates is a bit low and also kidney not well - gosh..... so more investigation work will be done... thus, they'll keep him there for observation....

I can;t visit him these 2 days as I am sick, with high fever and bad runny nose.. so mum will take over the role.... baby Bella is missing daddy badly, each time when she hears his name, she'll be alert and hunt for him. Last night, called dad and put him on speaker phone for Bella to hear his voice, she tilted her head and listened with a smile - guess our little gal really misses him badly....

Though dad makes me angry very often, but, he is still very dear to me, coz he pampered me from young.... feeling heartpain to see him going thru this, praying hard he will recover soon and be home asap.

I still cannot forget the time i have spent in the hospital when grandma was ill then, memories of her started flashing back, in fact last nite while waiting outside dad's ward, i could feel my tears rolling in my eyes... I am scare....

haiz.... daddy ... do come home soon....

Tiring

2010-02-23T01:39:00.002+08:00

Has been feeling very tired lately - due to busy work schedule and chasing after "numbers" for my monthly target....

Dunno why i am so tired? Age catching up??? emmm... maybe... now, backache also "come"....

Everyday... my happiest moment is when i see my Bella.... shes really a sweetie pie in welcoming me home... just love her so much....

Looking forward to a good back massage...

Bella - my dearest

2010-02-03T18:13:00.002+08:00

To my dear little Bella....

you know how much you meant to me? I have not own anything, just you and I give you all my love coz you enter into my life when I was in my most broken moments, I lost almost everything (people and things that are very dear to me, when we met and I fell in love with this little baby despite the smell and stain....

Bella gal.. you've brought me laughter and warmth and kept me company during last year's CNY, when I was so broken-hearted.

Baby... yo have to get well soon - and I know you will, coz you are my tough baby gal, I know you are sad when you're just on restricted diet.... but when you are well, you'll have loads of good food....

Baby Bella.... mummy wants to have many many many good years ahead with my Princess Bella... so my wish to you is to stay healthy and happy... coz you've own a good big part of my heart....

Grandma and Daisy jie-jie will watchover you from Heaven and shower you with loads of blessings.....

A good 7 years... how time flies...

2010-02-03T17:59:00.004+08:00

Its been 7 years since we last met - wah... never knew its been so long... so much of happenings during this 2555 days....

Happy to meet a old friend again in a foreign land, feeling is different, hahahahah.. counting the extra strands of white hairs we've gained or MRT lines running everywhere on our faces.... hahahahaha

Things have changed, lives have changed and people moved on. Looking at life from a different angle now esp after Grandma and Daisy left me, I treasure everyday with my family, my Princess Bella and of course, my friends....

No tears, no pain.... time has healed, all i have is Blessings to you.... we're just passer-bys in our lives... well... at least we've once met before though.. hahahaha

Till then......

Happy 1st anniversary to our Home Bella!

2010-01-25T10:25:00.002+08:00

Today marks the 1st year on the arrival of Princess Bella to our house. She has given us loads of laughter and joy during this 365 days with us and we grew to love her more and more dearly.. for sure... my mum is a BIG FAN of Bella...

Wishes Bella good health, cheerful, happy, pretty and many many many more years with us as shes already part of our family!

Love you Bella....

Don't you dare to yell and shout at me again!

2010-01-22T16:36:00.003+08:00

I just cannot stand some man who thinks they are so self-centred, so great, so smart... never listen carefully and start to yell and scream.. I will tell the person.. You goto hell!

who are you to scream at me! never pick up your call is not an offence and need no sarcastic remarks from you to tell me I so busy ah... Yes.. I am so busy, whats wrong, you are not the only one on earth thats busy, if you choose to think your own way and drive to my place... my reply is.. When did I ask you to do so? I did not have any appointment with you!

If you take me as a friend.. respect me! If you fail to respect... I dun see why I should respect a asshole! You have disturbed my peaceful life again and I hate the screaming feeling! Sick and tired of all this... I dun wanna end up inm IMH again... leave me alone!

All I want is peaceful mind and life...

Sick again

2010-01-21T14:14:00.002+08:00

Haiz... it has been such a busy period for me since end last year with work and Bella's health... Thank God, Bella gal's health is better, now awaiting for her next urine test on 1/2.

I am feeling so tired and sick lately, since Monday, started with fever that does not subside after few days and developed to bad flu and asthma attack last night. Went doctor this morning, given 2 days MC coz I am having bad chest infection.... this round i have prepared mask to avoid passing the flu germs to bella....

Theres so much so much work and stuffs to attend to... dunno how can i catch some rest... I am tired...... just hope things will be better....

A New Year with a New Start

2010-01-01T23:17:00.002+08:00

Its a brand new year... my greatest wish is all my loved ones in good health. stability in work, happy and harmony at home... and importantly... my Princess Bella.. that she will recover fully from her kidney condition....

There so much so much things in my mind - but i jsut could not pen them down.... I've ended a 2008 with lots of tears and brokeness coz grandma and Daisy left me.. in 2009, ended well... just that I was troubled by Bella's sickness and well... my company suddenly tells me to cough out over $2K for my leave and MCs taken for the last 6 mths coz they have jsut confirmed me as a permanent staff. I felt cheated coz i have never ever in my entire working life goto pay back company....

I am beginning to think... are all SMEs out there to cheat their employees? I worked so hard for the last 6 mths... though they kept putting me on probation (guess they only have their own interest at heart), and how could a human not fall sick over 6 months? Sick and tired of SMEs, my earlier employer in Brandz also, biggest idiots on earth to cheat my one month salary, and now.. the government should take action on them, economy downturn is not = being unfair to employees. What a joke... I earned lesser than I was as a contract staff, and yet, instead of getting benefits from the company.... the company is getting benefits from me by making me pay back... whats my hardwork? When you need people, you drain them dry....

Another joke was, some bosses can tell us that he has recently interviewed many people and we are seem to be having a good life here, coz these peopler goto work late till 2 to 3am daily, goign back to work on weekeneds etc... hahaha... Mr Boss.... either you are an idiot or you got no brains... 1) for sure, you have not work in the industry long enough, big agencies got overseas client and at many times, they need to communicate only at nite, thus, they will come in to work in the afternoon till midnite, 2) most agencies like to go for drinks in the evenings and back to work again - thus, they tend to work till overnite, 3) everyone who comes for interviews always like to paint a good pic of themselves, 4) its ridiculous that the person work in such timings coz thats a machine working, not human, 5) why will this candidate come over for an interview, if his/ her company is so good, must be can't stand the working hours, 6) as you are making such comments by just eharing one side of the story, pls review on what are the people whom have been working very hard for the compnay for the last 365 days, rather to hear from people who are trying "hardsell" themselves....

Don't blame me for being calculative with the company.. coz the company has been the on being calculative with me....

Emm..... there should be some courses to teach bosses of companies how how to communicate and motivate staffs....

Totally cheeze off ...

This is the day - a year ago

2009-12-26T23:17:00.002+08:00

Dear Grandma and Daisy,

This is the day a year ago when my whole world shuttered. When Grandma and Daisy, both decided to leave this world on the same day to Heaven.... too much for me to accept...

Dunno how i went thru... but i managed come to terms that they have left me... memories of them will remain in my heart for the rest of my life. Time flies, its already a year... looked like just yesterday. Did you heard the prayers that I've uttered for you this afternn and evening during the timing when you left me last year?

Grandma and Daisy.. remember I love the both of you forever and ever... Pls watch over us and little Bella from Heaven....

Remembering both of you everyday of my life with love....

1st Anniversary - Grandma & Daisy

2009-12-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

Dear Grandma and Daisy,

Today marks exactly a year since both of you left me.... I still misses both of you dearly though I know you are watching over me in Heaven.

Theres so much changes to my life but memories of you never change, love for the both of you is forever.... I could still recall your voices and facial expressions... it seem like I just saw you yesterday... so fresh in my memory.

One year ago this date.. its the darkest moment in my life - coz both of you chose to leave me and goto Heaven on the same day. Too much to take and I really dunno how I've gone thru it... but I do... and have accepted the fact....

Popo... mum and me went to pay respect to you on Christmas day morning.. I still cried and cried when i "saw" you, I miss you dearly popo.... I cannot talk to you, hear you, touch you, bath you , wheel you around etc... whats left here is just memories and your ashes.... Popo.. I hope you like the flowers i bought for you.... thats how little I could do for you now.... I thank God for giving me the chance to look after you.... Popo... i will remember and love you forever and ever

Daisy... i miss hugging you and your licking all over my face... the big big beautiful eyes with a smiling face...... You have been a tough fighter for life and I am proud of you.... very very proud of you.... never regretted having to spend so much on medical fees on you... i have a good extended 6 months with you....

Both Grandma and Daisy will be in my memory forever...

Why on Christmas eve again???

2009-12-25T23:18:00.002+08:00

I've spent both last and this year's Christmas eves in the animal clinics as they were sick...

Definitely not something i want or look forward to as I always ended with a heavy or broken heart.....

Yesterday was a torturing day. I was trying to co-ordinate between my work and sending Bella to another Vet for a 2nd opinion, was rushing and running like a mad dog... haiz....

I was just so shocked yesterday when Dr Miles told me that BElla's blood test did not went well. Her protein level is a bit on the high side... somehow, her bad flu has resulted in some of the bacteria attacking her kidneys thats making the protein level so high..... Xray showed heart, lungs, liver ok... except uturus a bit swallon....

Gave me a shock out of my life that Bella is having kidney issues.. shes so young, never would i expect that to happen to her... My poor baby was poked 5 times to draw blood and another time to jab her - shes a tough gal.. no whining or moving at all... I am so proud of her.

Poor Bella goto be on KD Diet and medication, but I am sure shes tough enough to conquer the sickness..

Bella ... jiayou!

Happy Birthday to me.....

2009-12-19T23:57:00.002+08:00

Its another year.... theres no way I could forget what happened on my birthday morning last year.. Daisy collapsed in my arms, I have to sent her immed to the vet in the morning and she had to have a blood transfusion on the day, else, we'll loose her....

I spent my day in the hospital with her, we ate the birthday cake at the clicn. I have orderred this cake for myself last year coz then, grandma was in hospital and was concious, she was upset that she could not be with me on that day, so i ordered a cake for myself to cut that in the hospital with her. Unfortunatly, grandma never woke up to celebrate with me, and she gone now, never will she be able to celebrate for me... together with my Daisy....

My birthday wish is for my loved ones to stay healthy.... Bella... my gal... to recover fully and health be better and happier...

Happy Birthday to me....

Bella is having a bad flu....

2009-12-18T17:47:00.002+08:00

Poor Bella has not been well these 2 days... never expect her to be so sick.... shes having bad flu with lots of phelgms thats making her nose choke.

It was so scare few nights ago when she choke till cannot breath.... why why in December again???? Its a month thats so scare to my mum and me... BElla... you have to be well soon.... be my brithday gift this year - your good health....

Thank God Lovely jo heard about her situation yesterday and advise me to bring her to vet immediately and she even helped me to fetch my mum there...

Doctor Tong said its very bad flu and can be in danger if cannot breath... given a jab and some strong med. Bella has been on plain poridgge since yesterday.... shes so pitiful looking...

She had another 2 rounds of "choking" epi last night and this morning, nose still bery wet and panting... Very nice of Doctor Tong to give me a call to check on her, when heard about it, he asked me to bring Bella back asap for re-check... he is worried too....

I am even more worried... rushed home at 4pm plus to bring her to my office and will rush her to the vet immediately after work....

Oh God.... pls watch over my little angel... i am very scare.... i cannot afford to loose her anyone.... cover her with your precious blood and your healing hands to be upon her.... shes just a little kid.. seeing the needle poking and bitter medicine that she has to eat.. makes me feel so sad.... God.. grant me this gift for my birthday... thats all i am asking for....

Popo and Daisy... pls watch over baby bella.... shes sick.... watch over her pls... shes a baby gal... grant her good health pls.... I've lost the 2 of you last year... I cannot take another blow....

Bella... mommie love you so much.. rather i suffer on your behalf than see you suffer... you must get well....

Love you baby bella...

December is never the same again since 2008

2009-12-12T01:19:00.002+08:00

Since young, every December is a happy month for celebration, coz its my Birthday, Christmas Day and some years ago - its Bonus time in December!

Haiz... December is never the same since year 2008. It was the most painful time in my life so far....

In early december last year, Grandma fell down and was hospitalized and Daisy's Liver Cancer condition worsen, many times, her lips will go pale. My heart was like a roller-coaster, up and down. Each time i see my mum or dad calling me on my mobile during my working time, my heartpain will go faster.

Grandma went into comma since 7/12 last year and I almost lost Daisy on my birthday morning (20/12). Both landed in hospital, i stopped work for the whole month and was staying in the hospital with the both of them....

Honestly, I do not know how i cope with all these alone (almost), coz at then, I had no friends who could understand me as to why Daisy is so important to me..... I was rushing between hospitals and sleeping only on sofa beds or on the cold floor at the animal hospital.

26/12/2008 - A day i could never forget in my whole life as i lost my 2 most beloved onn the same day. Painful??? Yes, very very, double and Triple pain. 3.30pm Grandma left me, and 7 hours later at 10.30pm, Daisy left me in my arms. Just too much for me for the year to take....

However, I guess, God is good, He do not want me to suffer twice in such a short span, thus, He let me had a double blow and He carried me through the darkest moment in my life....

Grandma and Daisy - I really do miss you dearly... each time i see your pics and talk/ write about you, tears will flood my eyes...

In about 2 weeks time, its your 1st anniversary..... you know, I will cry, coz I miss both of you dearly... you'll stay in a corner of my heart forever and ever..... and I know you are in Heaven now, watching over me, our family and Baby Bella from above....

My birthday and Christmas has a different meaning to me now. Its a day when God extended the life of Daisy as my Birthday Gift and for my Christmas gift last year, God granted me the last chance to spend Grandma's and Daisy's last Christmas with me on earth. What else could I ask for, except to give thanks to God....

And thank God for Baby Bella, who has brightened my life....

Princess Bella has not been well ...

2009-12-01T18:23:00.003+08:00

Haiz... yesterday was really a Monday Blue day... my little baby gal LS 4 times in the morning and vommitted twice... mum called to say that shes worried, baby is very lethargic and refuses to eat...

My heart was not in office the whole of yesterday coz was worrying about Bella. Brought her to see Dr Miles immediately after work.... thank God its just the beginning of a stomach flu. Brave little Bella guai guai take the jab... Dr Miles commented that shes such a pretty little babe... hahahaha... coz shes on her pink pokka dot "I Love shih tzu" dress with a complimenting bow....

Guess what... Bella is now 5.7kg!!! OMG! I was so worried that Dr Miles wanna put her on diet.. heng... he said was ok....

Bella came home, drank a lot of water and guai guai take her chicken for dinner and off she zzzz..... wake up this morning manjaing... want to be carried...

Misses her so much while at work today....

Baby Bella... must get well soon ok??? else mommie will be worried hor....

God gal....

Its the 11th month,...

2009-11-26T14:26:00.002+08:00

Today marks the 11th month since Grandma and Daisy left me.... time flies its coming to a year soon.....

Have come to terms that they've left me - but memories of them stays with me forever....

Was telling mum that during my last trip to BKK while on flight - I fell asleep and I dreamt of grandma and Daisy - I saw their smiling face and peaceful look, walking on the white clouds... its just so real and clear. Mum said - that means they are in Heaven. I told me, I have always said they are in Heaven and watching over us....

To my dearest Grandma and Daisy - I'll love you forever and ever and you stay in my heart.... misses both of you dearly....

Bella celebrated her early 1 yr BD on 10/10

2009-11-22T17:31:00.004+08:00

Bella's special Bd cake from aunite LovelyJo

PEACE

2009-11-22T17:17:00.002+08:00

I have never felt so peaceful till this last few months (since April)... released a big "burden" - too much of stress and has gotten me into depression.... and importantly... goto know a group of new frens that shares same interest and able to talk "heart to heart"... which I have never done that for a long long time...

Its the peace at heart that i long for and having Bella into my life really has brightened up my days.... memories of Grandma and Daisy stays within my heart forever.....

Soon.... its gonna be a year since they left me......

Finally the lazybone start to blog again

2009-11-22T17:12:00.002+08:00

heeeeee.... just taking a look at the date... wow.... me last blog was in 16/8/09.... so long already hor.... no wonder i kana "warning" from blue and ela..... heeeee..

so many things happened over the last few months.... let me slowly slowly recap.....

See my new post la

My Desire

2009-08-16T21:14:00.002+08:00

Really praying hard for my property business... hoping to go full swing as I really enjoy this and also I like the flexible time - just not the flexible income la.... hoping to have at least 5 months of salary stand by and I can go full swing without worries... at least family is being taken care...

Looking forward to explore new project launches...never tried before.... hope able to get few buyers for Trivista.... will I????

Haiz... its sunday nite... Monday back to boring work again.... very dishearten with that... working hard on properties... no choice... age is catching up.....

Its National Day!!!!

2009-08-09T21:42:00.002+08:00

Its been such a long time since i last update my blog.... usual excuse... busy la... working like a slave... haiz....

Finally long weekend and this will be Bella's first National Day.... hahaha.... she took the National Pledge at 8.22pm - declaring she a Singaporean!!!! Last year this time, I celebrated this day with Grandma and Daisy, this year, they are no longer with me, watching the parade from Heaven....

My wish is recession will be over soon - economy will recover and for myself - my ultimate wish to go into full time property business ...and also some online business.

Glad that I'm finally able to help my buyer to find their desired house, praying hard that they will make the offer tomorrow.... next will be working on other buyers.... and hope to have units to sell to...

Stay believe that with hard work... there will be returns....

Jia you Jia You!!!!

To my beloved Grandma and Daisy

2009-07-26T22:51:00.001+08:00

Dear Grandma Marie and Daisy,

Today marks the 7th month since both of you left me, every month at the hour that both of you left me, I will look up the sky to "see" you, coz I know you are watching me from Heaven.

I missed both of you dearly.... just lost of words to describe the feeling, its painful.

I have never ever regretted "wasting" my time in looking after grandma, indeed, I have learnt a lot and have grew to love taking care of you Grandma.... I used to be upset and angry when you scold me or nag at me... but now... how i wish I could turn back the clock to hear you again... I miss wearing diapers/ bathing you/ cutting nails for you/ pushing you on your wheelchair etc. remember we have spent a lot of real good times together, I can never forget your childlike smile whenever you are happy... Grandma... I've never tasted your cooking for at least 10 years and really miss that... but I know... I will never be able to have that chance anymore, could only put that in my memories. My biggest regret is you went into comma without leaving us a word and I was not able to stay with you by your side when you left us, grandma, pls forgive me. I will never forget what you have thought me and I have promised you on the morning before you left us, that I will remember you and love you forever... Grandma, do watch over us from Heaven...

Darling Daisy.... my sweetie pie... jie-jie miss you so much.....I have kept all your belongings with me as I can't part them... I've even kept the medicine that you took.... what I am left with are just all these and memories of you.... did you hear my prayer earlier at the hour you left me? Daisy gal... I can never ever forget the scene when you gave me a smile and collapse in my arms on 26/12 at 10.30pm. My whole world shattered.... I lost grandma and you both on the same day! This is just too much for me to take.... I never dare imagine this will happen..... but girlie... I know you have been a brave warrior and you have been a fighter, you've tried your best to fight for every single breathe you have.... my wonderful pal for 14 years... you have a part in my heart and with you leaving me, its just like a part of my heart being removed. You've came to me when you are just 7 1/2 weeks old and spent 14 years with me.... how I wish I'll have another 14 years with you.... Remember... Bella mei mei is not to replace you, shes like your little sister and I truly believe God has sent her to me to heal my wound....shes looking more like you now.... jie-jie loves both Daisy and Bella, both of you are my princess and I will never leave you.

I pray that both of you walk close to God in Heaven, have peace and watch over all of us in the family..... Love you Grandma ... Love you Daisy....

Till we meet again in Heaven in God's time.

Jacq

Bella - the naughty gal....

2009-07-22T11:21:00.003+08:00

these days... my little princess has been a rascal... ooopps... should say always been a rascal.... she has been playing with everything above her head... even my bed.... heres the evidence

shes looking like a da tou wa wa now... haiz... my little fat gal... weighing 5.1kg when shes only coming to 9 months old... pengz....

Back to work

2009-07-21T13:58:00.000+08:00

haiz... me back to work after my self-declare long weekend... busy looking after my baby Bella....

Glad that she ok now... jumping and playing hide and seek and silly enough to show her big fat tail... this morning....

Last night she starting "fighting" for food... guess her appetite is back.... praying hard my this little one will stay healthy, happy like a baby always....

Baby Bella - Sick....

2009-07-20T15:22:00.000+08:00

18/7

Haiz... my baby really made me so worry... she had a bad tummy ache after back from grooming.... pooed like spray jet and saw a bit of blood.... I almost freak out.... and she looked so tired. Its the first time that she jumped up my bed and rest herself there and knock off - never done that since she came to our house.... she must be feeling uneasy.

Back to the poo... i was trying to recall what i fed her that day.... think i gave her too much Lamb meat from the can, the tummy must be not used to the food yet... and I think I have given her a pretty big portion that morning.. haiz... baby suffered all becoz of mommie... poor thing....

Though baby had a bad tummy, she still have the appetite for dinner (likely shes hungry)... finished all her food and went back to my bed to sleep. My little was so manja... she sleep with me on my pillow almost the whole nite and heard her whine a bit - first time whining.... must be feeling uncomfortable....

19/7

Woke up late in the morning coz was looking after Belle Belle.... planning to attend church service at 11am...

My gal don't look well, shes very lethargic and her eyes look so tired.... felt her bady, was very warm. I've decided to feed her with plain porridge with a bit of hard boiled egg to clear her tummy... shes such a babe... guai guai finish her food and I fed her with Nuova medicine....

Monitored her for a while, don't seem to be better, happened that Lovely Jo called and she advised to give the vet a call for advise. As shes just a puppy, Vet's advise is to send her down just in case shes having infection....

Very sweet of Jo to bring me there.... and Dr Tong was so gentle with Bella and he did not give her a jab - hurray! Was glad that she's just having some stomach upset and was reminded that even though shes on Heartguard Plus, deworming must be performed monthly to clear all worms.... a lesson learnt. Bella now weighs 5.1kg... OMG... so fat.... was worried, ask doctor if shes overweight, glad to hear him say it a ideal weight, shes those with big bones... haiz... Belle Belle ah.... pls don;t be so big until you don;t look like a Shih Tzu hor... also hor, if you so big, how is mommie going to carry you in your bag bag to go gai gai leh????

Oh... we took MRT from Yishun back to Toa Payoh, this is the first time Bella experience taking MRT and she just sooooo sweettttttttttttt.... she kept her head in her carrier and sat quietly throughout the whole journey without anyone realizing.... phew.... really an experience.... shes suc a babe....

This little gal is really not well... after medication, she slept throughout the afternn on my bed and evening we gave her porridge again... and she just ate quietly... mum so heartpain, carry her so many times to sayang her....

I've decided to take a day off work on Monday to look after my baby.... also mum need to go doctor... so at least to release her from cooking....

20/7

Finally a chance to sleep late on Monday... woke up at 9.30am with Bella and shes still so sleepy...hahaha.... no choice, must get up to do house work and later work from home...

Though Dr Tong said just need to feed Belle Belle orridge yesterday, today can start with her normal food... me super kiasu... still gave her porridge in the morning to serve her medicine.... of course her face super long and sad... but still managed to give her all the medicine..... but by 12.30pm.... think this little gal hungry le... she kept following me and look at me... gave her some steamed chicken via hand feed.. she makan happily.... think shes really hungry le...

After sleeping for few hours in the afternoon, Bella gal finally got her battery recharged and started running like mad dog with her toys.... and i brought her down to the market to buy newspaper... she so happy... the aunties all said she has grown.... she gave a cheeky look.... haiz

Bella's appettite came back this evening, she ate all her steamed chicken, pork and plain porridge.... by herself... hahahaha... she must be starved... now shes sitting next to me eyeing at the door... waiting for my mum to be back and she will start her manja show again....

Have been forcing her to drink water today, now, waiting for her to poo.... hope shes not having constipation... i stay believe that due to minimal food last 2 days, so not much poo ... after tonite, she should poo la....

hahahaha

Baby Bella .... 3rd Grooming

2009-07-20T15:15:00.000+08:00

Baby Bella had her 3rd hair cut on 18/7. She looking cuter and definitely neater.....

Belle Belle spent about half a day at groomer's place with ShaSha, MT and MM jie jie.... as usual, she's the only one there screaming at the top of her voice (dunno for what la)... haiz... so malu....

The mommies went to Chinatown for some makan and back massage - age catching up la.... and when back at Vivo to pick up all the princesses.... they all look so clean and sweet.... but.... all look so tired. Bella fell asleep while way home.....

haiz... battery flat so easily....

hahaha

To my dear Daisy....

2009-07-17T11:58:00.000+08:00

I saw you in my dreams last night,
Seated quietly by my bed side,
I could hear you whispering into my ear that you are alright,
And you’ll always be watching over me
from Heaven, day and night.

My dear Daisy, did you see my tears rolling down by my side.
You’ve been my best pal for almost half of my life,
When you left me, my life went apart.
I know I’ll see you again in Heaven,
when the time is right.

Daisy, you’ll never be forgotten for the rest of my life.
You’ve been such a beautiful angel
that has brighten up the days of my life.
Do come into my dream tonight
and let me hold you tight.

Dearly missed by,

Jacq & Bella

Finally

2009-07-09T12:27:00.000+08:00

Haiz... finally...after thinking, thinking, thinking and still thinking.... I've finally made up my mind to create my own blog... hhahaha... not sure if it works... but i am learning... thanks to ela.... for helping....

More to come.....

Jacq